User:VivianSen - Revision history

VivianSen: Practicing empathy brings us closer to the world of others.

2022-01-28T14:34:08Z

Practicing empathy brings us closer to the world of others.

VivianSen: The value of apology

2022-01-28T09:24:28Z

The value of apology

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VivianSen: Jorge Luis Borges: biography of a scholar of letters.

2022-01-28T00:38:19Z

Jorge Luis Borges: biography of a scholar of letters.

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VivianSen: The 8 worldly dharmas: the art of detachment and impermanence

2022-01-27T13:58:32Z

The 8 worldly dharmas: the art of detachment and impermanence

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VivianSen: 6 phrases that can change your life

2022-01-25T13:35:48Z

6 phrases that can change your life

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VivianSen: Fears also teach us to be courageous

2022-01-20T12:14:50Z

Fears also teach us to be courageous

VivianSen: Is it true that opposites attract?

2022-01-20T09:23:58Z

Is it true that opposites attract?

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Is it true that opposites attract?
<img src="https://lamenteesmaravillosa.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/article_14132332733.png">
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п»їAlthough there is a belief that the best way to form a couple is to choose someone very different from us and that it is even common for this to occur naturally under the well-known phrase "opposites attract", reality does not seem to confirm this theory.
The processes that affect our decisions
The truth is that by a psychological process we tend to choose what is most similar to us. Thus, we are likely to be attracted to someone with physical characteristics similar to those we have, or to a person whose name has some of the letters that form our name.
Why does this happen? Because we unconsciously look for that which is familiar to us because it gives us a feeling of greater comfort. We write our name and date of birth so many times throughout our lives that it is not uncommon for us to make our decisions based on the resemblance to our name or initials. This tendency not only applies in dating but also in all the other choices we make in life: the house and the place where we live, the job, etc.
Think about it: Does the person you are with have letters in their first and last name that match yours? Do your friends have similar experiences to yours? Does the job you are in have to do with your past?
It is proven that we prefer people who match our tastes, our values, who have our habits and maintain similar lifestyles. We tend to choose those who have a similar social and educational level to ours. We are inclined to choose those who share similar experiences and who have a future projection that coincides with ours. We even go further and it is not uncommon to form a couple like our parents.
The need to feel identified
In short, it's as if we want to go out with ourselves. Is it vanity? Is it ego? Not at all. It is simply a matter of wanting to feel identified with the one we choose as our life partner. It is much easier to share goals, carry out plans and raise children with someone who agrees with us in most respects and shares our way of thinking.
Is this preference negative for us? If it turns into narcissism or an excessive taste for showing off and being admired by others, yes, it is. Similarly, if your parents live roles of violence and you emulate them, it will also be a problem and you should look for the opposite to help you have a healthy loving relationship.
The absolute opposite extreme is also a problem if the decision is based on a too low self-esteem that produces insecurity and can lead to anxiety or depression. Everything in its right measure. A balanced and fair self-esteem will lead us down the path of making the best decisions for our life.

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-The value of apology
+Practicing empathy brings us closer to the world of others.
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-п»ї<title>The value of apology</title>
+п»ї<title>Practicing empathy brings us closer to the world of others.</title>
-[IMG]https://lamenteesmaravillosa.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/pareja-dandose-espalda.jpg[/IMG]
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-Not a day goes by without a politician apologizing or, more profusely, apologizing to his adversaries for his own or other people's actions, grumpy customers demanding attention and compensation for having felt mistreated, patients hurt by the actions of the health personnel attending them, sportsmen publicly expressing their regret for their extra-marital affairs or employees protesting against the indelicacy of their employers. Some, on the one hand, are on the hunt for compensation, in the form, at the very least, of an apology, for the harm they have suffered, while others go through, or avoid, the ordeal of asking for forgiveness for their own flagrant error.
+I'm sure you have many material and emotional goals you want to achieve. But while you're in the process, are you practicing empathy? Sometimes we live day to day so focused on our needs that we don't even stop to look at others. It's okay to focus all your attention on your goals, as long as you don't forget about those around you.
-According to Aaron Lazare, author of On Apology, former chancellor of the University of Massachusetts and a leading authority on the study of apology and the processes of repentance and forgiveness, what makes an apology work is the exchange of shame and power between offender and offended. Through apology, one takes the shame of the offense and directs it toward oneself. By acknowledging the offender's shame, the offended takes the power to forgive. According to Lazare, an apology involves an exchange and is, in itself, a negotiation process where the agreement must leave both parties emotionally satisfied.
+Empathy is a skill that allows you to put yourself in other people's shoes. You can tell me that it is not really important to you or that you are not interested in seeing life through the eyes of those around you. It's true that you may have different goals and ideas, but that doesn't mean you should forget about them. In addition, being empathetic gives you the ability to better understand yourself and the world around you.
-But, make no mistake, it is not a simple negotiation. Despite the undeniable benefits of apology, we cannot say that, generally speaking, we are experts on the subject and have the humility and courage to accept when we are wrong, acknowledge when we have caused harm and sincerely express our regret.
+Listening is the basis of empathy
-And yet, the apology has the power to make our relationships, whether personal or professional, more solid, restored, recovered and even stronger. A sincere apology accepted by the other party is the most palpable sign of civilized and profound interaction between human beings.
+Since empathy is based on putting yourself in the other person's place, the first thing you need to do is to know their point of view. One of the biggest problems we have is that when we talk, we tend to create answers in our heads before the time is right. Then, the moment comes when we don't even let the other person finish talking because we have already "guessed" what he/she will say and we give our opinion.
-In the words of Beverly Engel, author of The Power of Apology, the benefits of apology are clear to both the giver and the receiver. On the one hand, the recipient of the apology feels emotionally healed when he is acknowledged by the offender, stops perceiving the offender as a threat, removes him from anger and prevents him from being trapped by the past. Apology opens the door to forgiveness by allowing empathy for the offender. On the other hand, through apology and taking responsibility for our actions we help ourselves to avoid self-reproach, with the consequent impact on self-esteem. Knowing that we have hurt someone may distance us, but once we have apologized we feel freer and closer. Since the apology makes us feel humbled, if not humiliated, it can also act as a deterrent, reminding us not to repeat the act in the future.
+Empathy requires more patience. You must take the time to listen to the other person. But really listen to everything they say and pay close attention. Then, when it is your turn to speak, give yourself time to think about what you are going to say. It is an exercise that takes some time because we are not used to it but when you have mastered it you will have taken a big step.
-Going back to Lazare, there is no single reason to apologize. It can be done with the aim of saving or restoring a relationship, for a simple reason of empathy, to prove the damage caused, to avoid further punishment or to alleviate a sense of guilt. Or also because of pressure from the media, the main daily motive for politicians, companies and other actors with permanent public exposure.
+How easy it is to get an idea of anything! We do it all the time and without stopping to ask ourselves anything. Add to this habit the fact that we spend more time focused on our phones or social networks and you will realize that we live in an unempathetic world. Why don't you stop for a moment to see what is around you, have you looked at the people around you, do you have an idea of what they feel, dream or want?
-Apologizing is often not easy. It is, on a large number of occasions, a difficult and costly exercise. It involves facing feelings of shame, guilt, fear and the risk of being vulnerable. Apology tends to be seen as a sign of a weak character but, in fact, it requires great strength. And it is good to learn how to reach it because, although it is not a guarantee of success, it is impossible to live in today's world without this skill. A skill that requires a process to be truly effective and that should not obviate the following steps:
+Empathy requires you to take a moment to stop and look at what is going on around you. Observe the people you pass by and with whom you live. What do their attitudes tell you? Ask yourself what they are doing and analyze them. This will allow you to understand others without the need for them to tell you openly what is going on in their minds.
-. Acknowledging the offense
+See situations from the other side
-. Describe the damage caused
+When you have an argument or simply disagree with another person, the most common thing to do is to stick to your point of view. The next time this happens, put yourself in the other person's shoes. It won't be easy the first few times, but practice will help you overcome the challenge. Ask yourself: what are the other person's reasons, what do you think he or she might be feeling, what fears or doubts is the other person's behavior based on?
-. Accept responsibility
+You will see that little by little these questions will help you to understand the situations you are living. It is easier to go through life believing that our point of view is the right or the best, but we forget that the other side also thinks that. Empathy will allow you to see that you don't have real enemies, but only opposing ideas that can be reconciled with some effort and discipline.
-. Establish how the damage will be repaired
+The importance of seeing a wider worldEmpathy gives you the ability to see a more complete and complex world. It may not seem very useful now, but the reality is that we live surrounded by people. All your goals, dreams and fears are based on living with others. Therefore, learning to see the world from the perspective of those around you will not only make you wiser but will allow you to reach your goals faster.
-For example, surely we have all observed or experienced a situation where, due to stress, fatigue or personality, the boss "reprimands" a subordinate in the presence of his colleagues. Hopefully, after minutes, hours or days, the same subordinate receives the corresponding apology in terms similar to "I realize, and I am sorry, that my words have provoked a feeling of frustration in you, I should have measured the verbal excess and not have done it in the presence of your colleagues. I will try never to do so again."
+When you are able to understand those around you, you can get them on board and they will help you achieve what you want. At the same time, you can be the change factor in their lives. The truth is that going through life rowing alone in the pursuit of your dreams is complicated but being accompanied will make the road more bearable.
-I wish it were always like that.
+You might be interested in...
-An apology can also be a double-edged sword when it rings false, when it shows no real regret, or when it is self-centered. Also when it is overused, when there is no relationship between the size of the offense and the apology or when it comes too soon or too late.
-Self-centeredness is also a factor in failed or avoided apologies. The egotist is incapable of appreciating the suffering of another person; his or her regret is limited to being unappreciated by the offended person but not by the harm caused. The type of apology he usually employs takes the form of "I'm sorry you were angry with me" rather than "I'm sorry I caused you harm." The offender is simply aware but does not feel guilty, ashamed or empathetic.
+I love people who look at you with their eyes and see with their heart.
-And a good apology also has to make you suffer, as studied by Lazare. If there is no genuine regret it will not be taken as sincere.
+I like people who smile with their soul and enlighten you with their empathy. I like people who look at you with their eyes but see you with their heart.
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-Is it true that opposites attract?
+Fears also teach us to be courageous
-<img src="https://lamenteesmaravillosa.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/article_14132332733.png">
+[IMG]https://lamenteesmaravillosa.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/chica-en-una-playa.jpeg[/IMG]
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-п»їAlthough there is a belief that the best way to form a couple is to choose someone very different from us and that it is even common for this to occur naturally under the well-known phrase "opposites attract", reality does not seem to confirm this theory.
+п»їA Chinese proverb says that he who fears to suffer, already suffers fear. Fears are those spaces in our psychological architecture where a large part of who we are converge.
-The processes that affect our decisions
+Fear safeguards us from dangers, mediates many of our behaviors and is often the substratum from which we decide to detach ourselves one fine day in order to learn to be brave.
-The truth is that by a psychological process we tend to choose what is most similar to us. Thus, we are likely to be attracted to someone with physical characteristics similar to those we have, or to a person whose name has some of the letters that form our name.
+It is no truism to say that no one likes to feel this emotion. Yet, few emotional and psychobiological processes are so decisive. Fear acts as that survival mechanism that has allowed us to advance as a species. It is like a warning system that is activated at every turn, to protect us from something, without discriminating whether that "something" is real or imaginary.
-Why does this happen? Because we unconsciously look for that which is familiar to us because it gives us a feeling of greater comfort. We write our name and date of birth so many times throughout our lives that it is not uncommon for us to make our decisions based on the resemblance to our name or initials. This tendency not only applies in dating but also in all the other choices we make in life: the house and the place where we live, the job, etc.
+There are rational fears and irrational fears. There are fears originated by traumatic experiences of the past and phobias of which we do not always know the origin.
-Think about it: Does the person you are with have letters in their first and last name that match yours? Do your friends have similar experiences to yours? Does the job you are in have to do with your past?
+This emotion, in spite of being natural, necessary and common to any living being, is often a bad traveling companion. It is so because it has the singular faculty of making us see things worse than they are, of blurring and filling our quality of life with darkness.
-It is proven that we prefer people who match our tastes, our values, who have our habits and maintain similar lifestyles. We tend to choose those who have a similar social and educational level to ours. We are inclined to choose those who share similar experiences and who have a future projection that coincides with ours. We even go further and it is not uncommon to form a couple like our parents.
+If life were a journey, we could say that fear will always be our co-pilot. We cannot get rid of it; it is impossible to convince it to get off and lose sight of it forever. The real courage lies in knowing how to handle it and prevent it from taking the wheel, from taking control of our reality.
-The need to feel identified
+"Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision.
-In short, it's as if we want to go out with ourselves. Is it vanity? Is it ego? Not at all. It is simply a matter of wanting to feel identified with the one we choose as our life partner. It is much easier to share goals, carry out plans and raise children with someone who agrees with us in most respects and shares our way of thinking.
+-Winston Churchill
-Is this preference negative for us? If it turns into narcissism or an excessive taste for showing off and being admired by others, yes, it is. Similarly, if your parents live roles of violence and you emulate them, it will also be a problem and you should look for the opposite to help you have a healthy loving relationship.
+Our only option is to be brave, today, tomorrow and alwaysWould that appeasing our fears were as easy as making a wish or exclaiming aloud a self-affirmation: "from now on I choose to be brave". However, the formula of magical thinking does not work, especially with this type of paralyzing and overwhelming emotion.
-The absolute opposite extreme is also a problem if the decision is based on a too low self-esteem that produces insecurity and can lead to anxiety or depression. Everything in its right measure. A balanced and fair self-esteem will lead us down the path of making the best decisions for our life.
+Fear also has a great impact on the mind and body, it accelerates the heart, causes the hands to sweat and thoughts run over.
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